When is being upbeat and positive useful and when is it a substitute for acknowledging real and valid feelings? When does it lead to dismissing your own and others’ circumstances and when is it motivating?
There is a lot to back up the idea that what we think influences the way we feel. If I believe that I am useless I will probably feel useless. If I believe I will never get another job, I can sink into despair and not be able to think creatively about what to do.
Related to the idea of genuine optimism is the concept of gratitude. This involves being aware of what or who is good in my day or life as well as being aware of what is difficult or worrying. I can hold both in awareness i.e. that which is difficult and the gratitude for that which is good.
What then is toxic positivity and why does it end up feeling dismissive and invalidating for others when we use it?
How do we recognize when we are using it with ourselves and others?
In what way is it different from genuine optimism or support?
What is a more useful way of responding?
True connected positivity enhances a conversation and a feeling of connection for both parties. Toxic positivity closes down conversations.
Let’s use an example. I tell you that my pet cat has died. You tell me “oh well, he’s been ill for a long time, it is probably for the best.”
Other cliché’s that fall into this category are
“things will work out in the end, they usually do.”
“just stay positive”
“it was probably meant to be”
Lets tease this out further :-
Reassuring someone that their recently deceased elderly parent was ill and that they are now at peace is not an unusual thing to do.
Neither is suggesting that things will probably work out or that its useful to stay positive. However, there needs to first be a connection with the actual issue bothering the person.
Your friend who tells you that they lost the job they were hoping to get, is unlikely to feel comforted by you telling them to just stay positive. It is likely to leave them feeling that you are disinterested or dismissive.
Often, we are actually not interested if it is a friend who seems to relate mostly on the level of the problems in their life. Alternatively, we are interested but uncomfortable and want to say something to make them feel better.
If you do feel genuinely sorry that they are battling with something, rather engage with it – ask the person how they are, reflect that it seems difficult, ask if you can help in any way, or find any other way of engaging with it instead of jumping to the cliche. Optimism may then involve talking about the resources the person has e.g. a good CV, a strong support system etc.
We use toxic positivity on ourselves as well. It is useful to put things into perspective when they seem overwhelming. That is not toxic. However, that is different from dismissing how you are feeling and telling yourself to get on with it and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Again, it involves engaging, being curious as to why I am feeling like this? What is causing it? What can be helpful to me? Who can I talk to about this? What patterns am I repeating? And so on?
I may come to some conclusion e.g. that I let a particular person get to me too easily, that I am not suited to work for this company, that I can be very sensitive, that I did actually say something offensive, that I need to let go of a toxic relationship and so on.
I would not have come to realize anything if I just dismissed myself or invalidated my feelings without engaging in curious and reflective thought.
To summarize
Listen
Engage
Reflect how they are doing/feeling
Ask questions
Then only after either offering to help or seeing what the persons next steps are (if appropriate)
Put in the positivity cliché (if you must!)
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